Jackson Juice Recipe

      Are you tired, exhausted, sleepy? Are ordinary caffeinated beverages no longer enough to quell your all-consuming fatigue? Are the products in bottles you use for this purpose useless after those five hours are up? Do you need a new product to get you going? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you need Carter Jackson’s famous Jackson Juice! No, I’m not selling you a thing, because I’m generous. I am going to do a service to the weary, caffeine addicted zombies of our nation by sharing the recipe for my homemade energy drink!



  • 19½ oz. of Red Bull
  • 4½ Tsp of fresh coffee grounds
  • 22 oz. Sucrose
  • 19 oz. Methylenedioxymethamphetamine
  • 17½ oz. Desoxyn
  • 9½  oz. U 234
  • 3½ overcharged car batteries
  • 2000 volts



  1. Pour the Red Bull into a large pot.
  2. Add the coffee grounds, stir, and bring the pot to a boil.
  3. When the mixture boils, add the Methylenedioxymethamphetamine and Desoxyn to the mixture, stirring the whole way.
  4. Bring the mixture down to a simmer, and add the sucrose.
  5. Taste the mixture, if you don’t like the taste, add more sucrose and repeat until you like the flavor.
  6. Add the 234U and the internal fluids of the car batteries, stirring very carefully.
  7. Use a wire or other mechanism to add the additional 2000 volts of electricity.
  8. Leave to cool for 24 hours.
  9. Enjoy!


Disclaimer: I’m not responsible for any legal consequences of possessing some of these ingredients, or any physical consequences of drinking this including, but not limited to: esophagus vaporization, radiation poisoning, internal liquefaction, mutation into a bloodthirsty monster, electrocution, insanity, every atom in your body ripping apart, cells transforming into black holes, explosions that make H-Bombs look like firecrackers, or Armageddon occurring in your digestive tract.

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